Life and love are unpredictable, so rather than anticipate the future I think I’m just going to take it all in one day at a time. I’ve never been good at keeping plans, anyways.
What if brains operated like computers and you could just remove memories and habits like files?
Brains are more like gardens though, where you can remove things like weeds only to have them pop up again and again.
As difficult as I feel I have it sometimes, I have to admit that I’m a lot luckier than some people. Maybe I can’t make it through college without help from the military, but at least I’m getting to go to college in the first place. Maybe I was pushed out of the nest so to speak a little too early but at least I have the means to be independent. Even if I feel a little neglected in times of need, at least I’m capable of getting myself out of tough situations. Some aspects of my life have been a little harder than they should have been, and yet I’m still more privileged than a lot of people. The past is the past, it is what it is, and I really have nothing substantial to complain about anymore. So rather than get hung up on wanting more help than I have, I’m just going to make use of what I’ve got and find a way around the obstacles.
I’ve gained five pounds since I moved here, my hair isn’t falling out, I haven’t had a nosebleed in over a month, and today I ran a mile in 7:55. That’s my best time since I was eleven years old.
I’m feeling pretty good about this right now.
Part of me feels guilty for saying this, but I think my relationship with my mom has really improved now that we’re not living together. Not to say that it was bad right before I left, but I remember a time when it was. I’m not going to elaborate on that, but to say that we didn’t always get along would be a bit of an understatement. It’s been a month since I’ve left and we haven’t had even the smallest argument. I don’t mean to say that I can’t stand being around my mom, or that she doesn’t love having me around, but over the years we’ve come to a mutual conclusion that we need our separate spaces and our own domains. I miss her. Not in a sad way, but just in a “Hey, it’ll be nice to see you again when I do!” sort of way. I’m actually looking forward to visiting her next month and telling her about what I’ve been up to. (Well, not everything that I’ve been up to. Some things are better kept as secrets, you know.)
I don’t “have my life together” yet, but I’m starting to notice that a lot of things are falling into place and old problems are finally starting to fade. It’s a really good feeling.
I think I have more reason to be worried about my family than they have to be worried about me. As much as I love how much easier life is for me being on my own, I feel like I left at a really inconvenient time. On one hand, I’m proud of myself for being the first in my family (aside from my older brother) to go directly into a University out of high school. On the other hand, I feel a little guilty for leaving them behind now that things are getting so stressful. Had I stayed behind, just for another year, I could have at least worked and helped out until everything was a bit more stable. But I didn’t, so I guess there’s no use in feeling guilty because I’m not planning on going back. Sometimes you have to be selfish. Not to the point of being inconsiderate, but just enough to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself and not letting all your goals fall by the wayside.
I am not anti-religion by any means. Some people are religious and some people aren’t and that’s all fine by me. I don’t mind listening to what people have to say about their beliefs, either. I like hearing different views and opinions. That’s cool. I can respect that.
It doesn’t bother me until listening to someone’s beliefs turns into being patronized. To suggest that my lack of familiarity with your religion somehow negates my intelligence is nothing short of offensive. Do not treat me as your inferior if you want me to hear you out and respect your opinions. Imply that my life is unfulfilled, that I’m lacking in depth, or that my education is worthless simply because I am not religious or because my beliefs are different than yours, and I will stop listening.
If I’m being polite and open-minded enough to listen to what you have to say, don’t insult me by suggesting that I’m living my life all wrong. I am a human being, not a sheep. You don’t need to guide me back to the flock.
So many people to call and harass and so many appointments to make and so much money to pay and so little time to do it all.
And I don’t think I’ve had coffee in at least two days.
And this stress is not even a fraction of what I was functioning with in IB, so I really don’t have any excuse to be lazy right now.
14 minutes, give or take, for a 1.5 mile run.
Holy shit. I feel so behind.
(Let this serve as a reminder to write a long text post about running tomorrow, because I check my own blog obsessively.)